Archive | January, 2012

Announcing Our New Format Change

24 Jan

Unlockable Hat is very excited to announce our new format, which we feel will be instrumental in raising post frequency and, therefore, the total entertainment impact to you the reader.  (You the sexy reader.)  Effective immediately, all video game reviews will be replaced with coloured-in pictures of Victorian wallpaper along with play-by-play accounts of my Binding of Isaac runs, written by underpaid robots.  (Sexy underpaid robots.)  Here’s a quick sample to get your juices flowing.  (Your sexy juices.)

20.4 POOP COMMA POOP IS EVERYWHERE
50.8 INITIALIZING REALIZATION THAT THESE THINGS ATTACK BY OPENING THEIR SKIN AND THAT IS GROSS
120.1 HELLS YES ROBO-BABY I CLAIM YOU AS MY CHILD AND TOGETHER WE WILL SMITE ALL ORGANIC LIFE
183.5 LASER TEARS + URINE TEARS = YELLOW LASER BEAMS
247.8 DEPTHS 2 SHOP CONTENTS:  GREED; MONSTER DROPPED: STEAM SALE
247.9 ADDING EXAMPLE TO DICTIONARY DEFINITION ENTRY:  “FUCK YOU”
300.3 REQUEST FOR SELF-TERMINATION ON GROUNDS THAT HUMAN PLAYER WILL NOT STOP MIN-MAXING WITH THE D6
480.6 HUMAN PLAYER ONCE AGAIN DIED IMMEDIATELY UPON REACHING SHEOL
480.7 MOCKING LAUGH SEQUENCE INITIATED
480.8 OW

Find the Hidden Review: Hidden Expedition: Amazon

22 Jan

A Hidden Object Game Review by Riff

(Note: I was holding onto this until Jenni posted something, so as to not monopolize what is, technically, her blog. But she appears to have gotten over-distracted by her hobby of coloring in Victorian* wallpaper samples, so I thought maybe if I went ahead and posted this it would shame her into writing something. Shame! Shaaame!)

I’m writing this in the Baltimore airport, waiting for a flight home for which I have managed to arrive two and a half hours early, and possibly more if the plane is further delayed. An excellent opportunity to review some more hidden object games, wouldn’t you say? Or perhaps to slash my wrists?

Crap, they took my wrist-slashing blade at security. Hidden object games it is!

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Find the Hidden Review: The Moonstone

2 Jan

Well, we managed to conquer a small part of nature today. We got a tree, sawed a hunk of it off to conform to the measurements of our environment, and roped it to the wall as an example to the others (also so it wouldn’t fall over). Mom’s getting ready to embarrass it by covering it with gaudy trinkets. Screw you, nature!*

I’ve got some time to kill, so I might as well kill it stone dead with another hidden object game. Let’s see what’s up next on the… I still haven’t found out what I’m supposed to call it instead of ‘desktop’. Padtop. Apptop. App Parade. Apparade. Well, whatever.

The next one is by Freeze Tag Games, published by — get this — Square Enix! Of all people. Shouldn’t you be doing something more important with your time, Square Enix? Like ruining the Final Fantasy franchise? Ha! Ha! I am a video-gamer and that is a video-games joke.

Anyway, this thing I’m about to play is called Victorian Mysteries: The Moonstone.

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Life in Skyrim, part 1

1 Jan

A diary entry by Tracheotomy

I am a drifting shadow, a hush in the night. I creep up behind the unsuspecting bandit, the tools of my trade held at the ready, moonlight glinting on the razor edges.

My daggers are hand-crafted from stolen metals, hand-enchanted with the souls of the unfortunates who have fallen victim to my attentions. The one in my left hand is named Capades, and its ancient Nordish magic will chill a man’s body to the bones, making him sluggish and slow to react. The one in my right hand glows purple in the dim light; its name is Soulfucker. It fucks souls.

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